Being in love

Being in love is wonderful. I love to love. I want to spend every minute of every day with that person. I want to do things that make them happy. I am in constant thought about them. I want to do things they ask of me. I want to do things that they don't ask of me that would benefit them even more. I love to just look at them and see their perfections and flaws at the same time. I love to help them with things they need. I love when I'm forced to be away from them for a while and then get to see them for the first time and the feelings are even stronger.

About 6 years ago, I made a promise to God that I wouldn't date anyone until I had spent 1 year daily devoted to Him. I had always heard people say "it's not about religion, it's about relationship". I was probably a little irritated when I heard that because I had no relationship. I don't even know that I understood what that meant...but I set out to find out.  I decided that there was no way that I would have a good relationship with an imperfect man if I didn't even have a mediocre relationship with a perfect Savior. I mean, it should be easy to have a relationship with a perfect Savior so if I wasn't even doing THAT right, then how was I going to do the former? So for the next 4 years I tried. And I tried. And I tried. I had made this promise and I was going to keep it. I wrote in a journal during that time to try and keep track of my thoughts and actions that God would show me where I was wrong and where I was believing things that were from satan.  I struggled with many things. Lust, bitterness, jealousy, anger...you name it....I struggled. People that I trusted constantly failed me during that time. I would get upset and probably blamed God....and he would patiently wait for me to come back and realize that it wasn't Him that was to blame. He showed me that people would ALWAYS fail me. I would fail them too.  I fail God all the time. I do things that I know I shouldn't do. It's a fight against the old nature. Paul, one of the most brilliant (in my opinion) men of God said the same thing: "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."  If Paul had these struggles...there was no hope for me. haha. God had a lot of work to do on my heart and satan was attacking like crazy.  I was always fighting with God because I didn't know Him well enough yet, I didn't know how to know when He was asking me to do something or when satan was.  Satan was constantly putting thoughts in my head that made me not want to love God and follow Him. I didn't realize it then, but it was crazy for me to believe the lie that God would ever MAKE me do anything. FREE WILL. God doesn't MAKE us do ANYTHING. That's the point of free will. We have the choice.  I choose to believe that what the Bible says is true. That God is GOOD and has plans NOT to harm me. I used to think "Oh my gosh, God wants me to marry THAT guy....ugh. I don't want to marry Him." I was constantly trying to predict the future, thinking that I knew what God had for me. Why did I think about that when I knew verses about God wanting to give me the desires of my heart or not worrying about tomorrow?  Satan was attacking. Satan will do anything that he can to deceive us. To take our Joy. To bring us away from the One who loves us.  He comes to "Steal, Kill, and Destroy".  I want to be rid of my sin nature. I don't want to fall for satan's traps.  I think Paul has something else that cuts to the chase on this issue as well.

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step (constant fellowship, relationship) with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other."

I have heard so many people say things like "God wants me to do this or that" and when you look at their life, it doesn't reflect a Godly lifestyle at all.  How is God "speaking to you" when you're not even "in the Spirit"?  I am guilty of the same things. I am not judging anyone...I'm simply questioning who you are listening to.  I think satan is attacking in these moments. I should acknowledge what I have heard and seek Godly counsel on the issue taking time to pray about it and testing it up against where I know God has already brought me. That will help me to know where the call is coming from.  I can make plans, and should...but God will change them...thankfully.  God is Wise. His decisions are full of wisdom.  Our decisions should also be full of wisdom. It is a constant surrender...not a one time deal. If we are not seeking first God's kingdom...our decisions will not reflect those of a person who wants to do God's will.

I think the point of the promise that I made to God was so that I would force myself to seek first his Kingdom.  God never told me to make that promise. I was inspired and compelled (seeing the joy in other people's Christ-centered lives) to do it. I felt that I had lived enough of my life ignoring Him and I wanted to try. I knew that if I didn't make a law for myself, that I would not make it a priority.  In that time, I found myself making other decisions that would shape my future and actually make it easier for me to believe and understand. I pray that God would strengthen my faith so that I will not stumble and cause others to stumble (as I do too often). I pray that if and when I do stumble that He would discipline me accordingly so that I will want to come back to Him.  I want to marry someone who can be a spiritual leader for me and my children.  I tried to live my life without God. Doing what I wanted. Completely leaving Him out of the picture. As much as I tried to ignore Him...He was still there. Showing me that every decision I made without Him, was a decision without wisdom. My life COULD be extremely easy to live with a person who didn't believe in God. He could smother me with love and affection (and probably would). But there would always be a small part of our relationship that wouldn't be complete and eventually both of us would come to resent the other. I have now come to know Christ as my first TRUE love....If i can't take Him with me into a marriage, then I wouldn't be giving my whole heart to my husband and that's just not fair to my husband. I want to be completely vulnerable to God so that I can pass vulnerability to my husband and eventually to my children so that we can grow together as a family in commitment to each other and to God.