Trust Issues

I have trust issues. There, I said it. haha. Just kiddin...kinda. :)  What I mean by that is that I had trouble trusting people that loved me because of things that were out of my control to understand.  I think that there are things that everyone will have trouble understanding at this minute...but I also think that one day we will (if we are seeking the answers) know the answers to all of life's questions...whether they be on this side of heaven, or when we get there.

Learning about myself and the reasons that I behave certain ways has been really helpful for me to understand about God and where I fit in a relationship with Him.  Thankfully, God gave me many male role models in my life to understand that my Heavenly Father was nothing like my earthly father.  I do NOT mean this in a "bash my dad" kind of way.  I have allowed God to let me see the bitterness in my heart and have been making strides to let it go (extend Grace) so that I could move on and try to do better with my own personal set of cards. Instead of focusing on the good things that my dad did (raise 5 kids in less than ideal conditions, work a ton to support us, deal with his own bitterness towards people of his past, etc.)...I focused on all the bad.  I think sometimes I even blamed God for those things.  I blamed Him, like I blamed my dad for all of the bad.  I'm sure he had his share of sin and trust issues with God that were past down to his kids...but I'm also sure that he had a few bad cards handed to him as well. It did, get in the way of my relationship with God and I began to have (and still have) trust issues in my relationship with God. I doubt things.  I doubt Him a LOT.  I doubt that he "loves me". I do not trust that the promises that he gives me in the Bible are real.  I do not trust truth. I do not trust that he has a "plan". I doubt that the things I do "for Him" matter.  etc. etc. etc.  Thankfully, He is faithful to me to show me through my sin, that He is all understanding and merciful to allow me and my wicked heart a second chance to learn and do better for Him.

I am now coming to understand more about what it means in the song by Hillsong when it says "Break my heart for what breaks yours".  I may not always understand the severity of why things break God's heart...but it's really starting to make sense that when you love someone so much, it makes you weep when they weep. I remember the few times that I saw my dad cry in my life, even though I didn't always understand why he was crying, I saw his whole heart and the good in it and it made me cry too because I felt the passion for love coming from inside of him.  I am starting to see that God's heart breaks when I sin and I am seeing why mine should too.  It does NOT just affect me. My sin affects SO MANY SOULS. Thankfully, I am not responsible for anyone's soul. No, Jesus took that upon himself on the cross.  He allowed God the Father to use Him in that way. That was love.  I am so thankful that Jesus had so much love for his Father, that he obeyed him all the way to death. That was grace given to me...and everyone on earth. I am only responsible for accepting the gift of grace and evaluating how I can use it to honor my Heavenly Father.

Here on earth, I will ALWAYS struggle with sin.  The key is, what do I do when I am faced with it. Do I follow what, in my heart, I say I believe and resist the temptation...or do I choose to follow the father of lies and dishonor my father in Heaven.  All too often, I reject the cross and give in to temptation...I usually learn from it, but in the end, my heart always breaks for what broke his.  I am praying tonight that Christ will show me where I am not trusting Him and that He will give me wisdom on how to be more Christ-like in the future...that no man should perish.