Fear

What am I afraid of?
That everyone after you will continuously be a rebound for me.
That being together would mean you were settling.
That I would never know all of you.
That I could never love anyone more than you.
That you have no idea what you do to me.
That I am stuck in a rut, with no belief to get me out.
That my pride will keep me there.
That I'll be alone.
That I like that idea more than being with someone and have them taken from me.
That saying things to make people feel better about me seems like a good thing, even if it's not right.
That someday I will look back and regret the decisions that I make.
That I know "all the answers" and don't want to use any of them.
That explaining won't help.
That communicating isn't the best way.
That being so sure is something that makes me so unsure.
That things that used to make the most sense now make none.
That I over think things.
That I don't think enough.
That I'll forget my way back.
That I'll never want to return.
That someone will know the real me.
That I will know the real me.
That I will be stuck in a constant cycle.
That everyone after you will continuously be a rebound for me.

We're Not on Hold: Biblical Femininity for Single Women

Carolyn McCulley gives an encouragement to Christian single women
                    ^ click on this link to get to the teaching :) ^

This is a teaching that I found on the Desiring God website. It's by a woman named Carolyn McCulley...I have been encouraged this morning knowing that this is the place God has me in and there's more to do in my singleness than look for a husband. I want to be a faithful servant of God during this time, this gift, God has given me. Please hold me accountable.

Journal Entry #1

About 4 years ago I started writing in a journal and thought I would post what it says on the first page because although they are random...they are things that STILL apply alot to the things that I struggle with these days.

The first thing the top of the page says is:

"Do NOT throw this away no matter how stupid you feel when reading back on it! This shows an increase in knowledge about life. God is teaching me something!"

I think that I wrote this at the time because I knew that pride was one of my biggest struggles. I used to want to throw notes away that made me look immature because I felt stupid when I would look back on them and was embarrassed at the things that I used to think. I have learned through NOT throwing away things in this journal, that whenever I have done things that God wants me to do and have opened my heart to Him, I have been way less embarrassed to read back over the things that I was writing. I am glad that this was the first thing that I wrote to myself, because it has actually helped me at times to read back over stuff that I have written and see how I've grown or seen an answered prayer, etc.

The next thing was:

"But may they who love you be like the sun, when it rises in it's strength." Deborah in her song in Judges 5:31.

I think this passage from the Bible was inspiring to me because it is an encouragement to me to love God so that I can find my strength in him. It was also inspiring because it was written by a woman. I always feel like I need people around me who are trying to obtain the same goal in order to have the desire to continue in my desire to reach my goal. It is nice to know that other women, even hundreds and hundreds of years ago, were reaching for the same goal of knowing and loving God and that I'm not alone in my fight.

Following that quote was:

"No matter how many times the Israelites rebelled before, God always came to their rescue.  Even when it seemed that all hope was lost for them, for they had followed other gods, he still said 'He could bear Israel's misery no longer.'"

This is encouraging because I know that God looks at all people the same and that gives me hope that He will save me from myself whenever I need Him to.  He loves me and will not let me far from His sight. That even though I'm an idiot and do things out of selfish ambition constantly, He is faithful to me, just as he was to the Israelites, to come to my rescue. It just reminds me of how loving and merciful He is!

"Can you accept God's will for your life even if the answer isn't what you want?"

Sometimes the right answer (as a person who believes and wants to follow Christ) has come with discipline, but this question has often plagued me (in a good way) and made me very mindful of the fact that once again, this life is NOT my own. I have been bought with a price and I can't just do things I want cause I "feel like it"...I have to do things that God wants me to...because I belong to Him.

"DO NO MESS WITH YOUR VOW! Num. 30"

With this sentence I was trying to remind myself the seriousness of making/breaking a vow to God. I was trying to keep in mind how important it was to make my words count.

Here's the page that inspired this blog:

This blog entry may not have been totally exciting...but I think it's important to look back and see where you've come from and evaluate how you can continue to grow. I don't just want to forget where I've been. 

Proverbs 31

I read Proverbs 31 in my Bible this morning and found an insert that just added a side note to explain the passage. "If we read this detailed description of the ideal wife and mother as the point-by-point standard God expects us to live up to, we're bound to feel overwhelmed and exhausted before we even begin! The intention of this epilogue to the book of Proverbs wasn't to give women an impossible to-do list, but to spread out before them the many opportunities they have to use their gifts, talents and wisdom in fulfilling and productive ways. Rather than limiting women's roles, they are expanded endlessly.  As women we are created to have a positive and profound impact on everyone around us-whether it be our husbands, children, parents, friends, clients, customers or society in general. Being a woman is a blessing, and being a wise, strong and dignified woman blesses others in ways that can't be calculated.





The Proverbs 31 Woman :

¹⁰An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.

rare, precious

¹¹The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.

trustworthy

¹²She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.

kind

Her Character
as a Wife

¹³She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.

works joyfully

¹⁴She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.

goes extra mile to get choicest goods

¹⁵She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.

disciplined

¹⁶She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.

enterprising, prudent with money

¹⁷She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.

energetic

¹⁸She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.

good steward

¹⁹She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.

diligent

Her Devotion
as a Homemaker

²⁰She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.

compassionate, generous

Her Generosity
as a Neighbor

²¹She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.

provident

²²She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

elegant

²³Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.

influential

²⁴She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.

industrious

Her Devotion
as a Homemaker

²⁵Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.

poised

²⁶She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

wise

Her Influence
as a Teacher

²⁷She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.

manages her home

²⁸Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:

praiseworthy

²⁹"Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."

distinguished

Her Effectiveness
as a Mother

³⁰Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

God-fearing

31 Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.

Her Excellence
as a Person


~Proverbs 31:1-31

Psalm 119 is AWESOME :)

Psalm 119:97-104

Oh, how I love your law!
I meditate on it all day long.
Your commands make me wiser than my enemies,
for they are ever with me.
I have more insight than all  my teachers,
for I meditate on your statutes.
I have more understanding than the elders, for I obey your precepts.
I have kept my feet from every evil path so that I might obey your word.
I have not departed from your laws,
for you yourself have taught me.
How sweet are your words to my taste,
Sweeter than honey to my mouth!
I gain understanding from your precepts;
therefore I hate every wrong path.

I love you Lord! Your word really is a lamp to my feet! Anytime I am patient and am calling on you for the answers, you guide my way and give me great joy! You truly are the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! Jesus, you are all I need. :) Thanks so much for all that you've given me! You've blessed me with everything around me. My friends, my family, my jobs, my future....You are my ultimate gold mine and I will rest on you all of my days! Help me to live like you, that is all I want!

Sisters

Thought I would write a blog about my sister, tonight, since she was on my heart. I love this girl so much and it's all because of Jesus that we are as close as we are.  Until we both gave our lives to Christ, we were pretty hateful towards each other.  I was a completely selfish sister. I slapped her in the face on many occasions, called her fat, envied the "attention" that I thought she got more of and in general, took advantage of and took for granted the kind, sweet, loving and beautiful little sister that she was.  Until I moved out of the house and started attending church on my own and adopting a faith in Christ for myself, understanding what God intended when He created us and how I could never measure up enough to earn His grace...I really could have cared less about Aly. The more I learned about how much God loved me and commanded things of me like forgiveness, putting away malice, thinking on things that are pure and right, etc., etc., etc., the more I learned that it was nearly impossible to love God and treat her that way. It didn't matter what I thought she "did to me" or "thought of me" or even what I "thought I deserved"...no...all that mattered was that either I "loved God" or I "hated Aly and didn't love God"...but I couldn't do both...they were mutually exclusive.

At times, I thought (in my self-righteous state) that I was doing her a favor...that she was better off if I was nice to her...but really, in my pride, I should have realized that she was never better off with me at all...she was better off with Jesus.  I thought that by me doing what I was doing was changing her behavior and all the while she was seeking God and trying to follow Christ on her own and that was what was changing her heart.  She was working on forgiving me and I was working on my relationship with God which was in a way forcing me to love her. Funny how God's commandments are things that I think I don't want at first, but they're always the things that (in the long run) bring me the most joy...who would think that the creator of the universe...the one who thought up brain cells and photosynthesis would know how to ultimately bring me joy. hah...who woulda thought? I know I sure didn't.
God has worked on both of our hearts and through lots of prayer, sanctification and encouragement to grow in the Lord, Aly and I have come to have a loving, healthy relationship where we encourage each other to love God and in turn he has used her MANY times to bring me joy...what an awesome God I serve.  I LOVE MY SISTER!!!! :) *Double trouble* :)

Things that help me in my walk

Here are somethings that have helped me in my quest to do God's will.

"What causes fights and quarrels amoung you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."

This helps me to realize how selfish I am. Not only to those around me, but about myself with God.  He has given me so much...and I am so stingy in return. What kind of relationship is that??  He has given me life. Parents who love me. Friends who support me.  Animals who comfort me.  Music that soothes my soul.  And what do I give in return?? 10%?? Sad...but true.  I owe him my life and rarely give even 5% of it to him. When I don't ask God for something...it's usually because I feel like "why would God give that to me? I haven't done anything for him!" Why would I feel like that when I know that God gave me his most precious gift (Jesus) when I was ignoring him most. He wants to give me things. He knows me.


"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

Sometimes I forget about the power I have over satan.  I forget that God gave me that power through His Holy Spirit.  My power is not over other people! God loves them, too!!! He created them! I am supposed to resist the devils temptations to sin.  I am supposed to want what God wants for me the most.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since my last post...I have been way too busy...but I finally have some time to sit down and write. :)

I have several things going on in my life right now and many prayers are needed. I know that God is taking care of me and that He is in control and that is so encouraging to me.  I was reading in Ecclesiastes this morning a little bit about the meaninglessness of things "under the sun" and it kindof helped me to remember that nothing in my life really matters too much. My career, my bank account, my relationship status...they're all meaningless without God.  At the end of Ecclesiastes the author (some think to be Soloman...some think to just be "Teacher"...either way it's unknown) says this:

"Not only was the teacher wise, but also he imparted knowledge to the people. He pondered and searched out and set in order many proverbs. The Teacher searched to find just the right words, and what he wrote was upright and true. The words of the wise are like goads, their collected sayings like firmly embedded nails--given by one Shepherd. Be warned, my son, of anything in addition to them.  Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body.

Now all has been heard; here is the CONCLUSION OF THE MATTER: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.  For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil."

If I do what I have a duty to do...then I have meaning my life.  When I was deep in sin and was not in close communion with God, I kept thinking about how my life didn't make sense anymore. At the beginning of my struggle I didn't feel that way, actually I kept saying..."If God didn't want me to have this, then why does it make so much sense??"  But the more I did what I was doing, the less I felt God was near and life started to seem meaningless. My life started to lose it's vigor. I realized that as I shut God out, I was shutting out all depth and meaning to my life.

My fight in life is not against any "mortal men"...it's against Satan and honestly against myself...my sin nature...that is enough to fight without having to fight my own team. Why do I waste time worrying about what other people are getting or have when those things are meaningless?? As a Christian, I should know that I need nothing but the blood of Christ.  Through Christ I have a very personal God. He makes sense.

Love of Money VS. Love of Godliness

"If anyone teaches false doctrines and does not agree to the sound instruction of our Lord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching, he is conceited and understands NOTHING. He has and unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk, evil suspicions and constant friction between men of corrupt mind, who have been robbed of the truth and who THINK THAT GODLINESS IS A MEANS TO FINANCIAL GAIN.  But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.  Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

But YOU, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith."

-1 Timothy 6:3-12


Sometimes when I read the Bible and see a certain verse I think of someone else who "needs to read it". The funny thing is that as I think of someone else's sin, I, in my self-righteous state am "casting the first stone". Jesus said that he who is WITHOUT sin should be the first to cast the stone. When I am reading the Bible, it should be done in a way that I am waiting for God to convict me of MY sin...not someone else's. I should come with a humble heart. How prideful of me to think that I am greater than someone else. How can God work on a hardened heart? Lord, please soften my heart.

I have often thought of the times when I did "the work of the Lord" for selfish gain. Pursuing godliness for my worldly gain. Thankfully the word of the Lord will not return void.

"As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:10-11

Love is a Building. :)

I find this to be so true...but not just about my future husband...about me and God.  That's probably why the marriage relationship is supposed to be a picture of Christ and the Church...anywho...liked this picture that I "stumbledupon". :)

Got rid of facebook today. Needed some time away to dedicate to God.  I hope that I actually use it for what I intend to use it for.  I'll probably get it back next week...just needed a small break.

Jesus was tempted in every way

This morning I opened my Bible to read "The Sermon on the Mount" out of curiosity from a sermon that I listened to the other day....wanted to get a closer look at the words of Jesus and what he calls me to do in this life. I read Mt. 5-7 but then went back a chapter and saw "The Temptation of Jesus" and it reminded me of Jesus' temptation by Satan in the desert. You know, I feel tempted to do things all the time...but I have never felt so badly tempted as Jesus was...out in a desert (probably pretty hot), having fasted for 40 days/40 nights (hungry and thirsty) and alone (except for God's word).  One thing that hit me (that a friend of mine also recently brought to my attention) was that one of the things that Satan tempted Jesus with was the world and all it's "splendor". 


-Matthew 4:6
"Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor.  'All this I will give you,' he said, 'if you will bow down and worship me.' Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.' Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him."


I (and I'm sure many others) have gone through this sort of temptation in many different forms.  I happened to go through that recently. "Obey me and you can do WHATEVER you want in this life...Jazz? Okay...yeah, you can do jazz if that's what you want...just bow to ME...not God." In fact, Satan has been doing this since he first tried to take the place of God in heaven before man even existed. He is EVIL, God is GOOD...satan just knows how to deceive people into thinking that their way is better or that God is a kill-joy and just wants you to be miserable on this earth.  God gave Soloman wisdom...but because he prayed for wisdom and not riches or power, God gave him all of that and more!  Why do we think that we're any different? Soloman was just a man. We are equals. God loves me the same as God loves Soloman.  He wants to do those things for us. Why would I sell my soul to gain the world?  Things in this life are meaningless. I have been told that. I believe that. I enjoy things but it should never be "the end of the world" for me (as a Christian) if I don't have those things or if they don't come because I pray for them.  God has not directly spoken to me and told me not to do Jazz or that I cannot have a husband or that I cannot have money. Maybe I am still a single, not-famous jazz artist, with no money because he wants me to know NOW how unimportant those things are so that if IF he decides to bless me in that way, I will still put Him first and still call HIM Lord until my last breath.


I think it is awesome that after Jesus was tempted with those things and then commanded satan to leave, he was joined by ANGELS. :)  I don't know what that would be like...but I'm pretty sure that anything that gets to live in heaven with God right now would be pretty good company to keep. :)   I am encouraged by this true story of how a sinless man was tempted just like I am and resisted all of the attempts by satan to trick him and then at the end of it, God rewarded His work with Angels. :) I hope that one day I can have an angel over for dinner. Even if I don't realize that's what they are...I know I would be blessed. 


"Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." "Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up." James 4:8,10

A lists of firsts that don't matter...and a list of firsts that will.

There are many things that will be a "first" for me when my prince comes...here are a few that don't matter to me (at some point in my life...some of these may have mattered. I'm so glad that God has changed my heart about those things)

I don't care if he's a virgin
I don't care if he has tattoos
I don't care if he has kids
I don't care if he smokes
I don't care if he is old
I don't care if he is young
I don't care if he has musical talent
I don't care if he has parents
I don't care if he has money
I don't care if he has brothers and sisters
I don't care if he has eyes
I don't care if he is skeptical
I don't care if he doesn't know everything
I don't care if he has pets
I don't care if he is cute

Those things are meaningless and I do not need any of it...neither do my kids.

Here is a list of "firsts" that will be things I've never had in a "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship before that I look forward to in my future husband.

He will put God first (above me...above family...above ALL things...which will in turn put all of those things in the proper order of importance)
He will understand the gospel of Christ and believe it with all of his heart
He will have his own relationship with Christ
He will pray with me (this will be so special to me...since NO MAN has ever done that with me before)

God, if this list is honorable to you...I pray that you will bring me the perfect man for me, in your perfect timing. I also pray that you will continue to prepare my heart for such an amazing man. Help me not to forget how important these things are and to be willing to sacrifice marriage in life for you if you choose not to bring this person for me. I love you no matter what. You are my all.

INTJ

I love taking personality tests and seeing the results of other people's personality tests....I'm not sure why, but I do. Here are the results from my most recent personality test. 


The Scientist



As an INTJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things rationally and logically.

INTJs live in the world of ideas and strategic planning. They value intelligence, knowledge, and competence, and typically have high standards in these regards, which they continuously strive to fulfill. To a somewhat lesser extent, they have similar expectations of others.

With Introverted Intuition dominating their personality, INTJs focus their energy on observing the world, and generating ideas and possibilities. Their mind constantly gathers information and makes associations about it. They are tremendously insightful and usually are very quick to understand new ideas. However, their primary interest is not understanding a concept, but ratherapplying that concept in a useful way. Unlike the INTP, they do not follow an idea as far as they possibly can, seeking only to understand it fully. INTJs are driven to come to conclusions about ideas. Their need for closure and organization usually requires that they take some action.

INTJ's tremendous value and need for systems and organization, combined with their natural insightfulness, makes them excellent scientists. An INTJ scientist gives a gift to society by putting their ideas into a useful form for others to follow. It is not easy for the INTJ to express their internal images, insights, and abstractions. The internal form of the INTJ's thoughts and concepts is highly individualized, and is not readily translatable into a form that others will understand. However, the INTJ is driven to translate their ideas into a plan or system that is usually readily explainable, rather than to do a direct translation of their thoughts. They usually don't see the value of a direct transaction, and will also have difficulty expressing their ideas, which are non-linear. However, their extreme respect of knowledge and intelligence will motivate them to explain themselves to another person who they feel is deserving of the effort.

INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren't working well. They are the supreme strategists - always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency.

INTJs spend a lot of time inside their own minds, and may have little interest in the other people's thoughts or feelings. Unless their Feeling side is developed, they may have problems giving other people the level of intimacy that is needed. Unless their Sensing side is developed, they may have a tendency to ignore details which are necessary for implementing their ideas.

The INTJ's interest in dealing with the world is to make decisions, express judgments, and put everything that they encounter into an understandable and rational system. Consequently, they are quick to express judgments. Often they have very evolved intuitions, and are convinced that they are right about things. Unless they complement their intuitive understanding with a well-developed ability to express their insights, they may find themselves frequently misunderstood. In these cases, INTJs tend to blame misunderstandings on the limitations of the other party, rather than on their own difficulty in expressing themselves. This tendency may cause the INTJ to dismiss others input too quickly, and to become generally arrogant and elitist.

INTJs are ambitious, self-confident, deliberate, long-range thinkers. Many INTJs end up in engineering or scientific pursuits, although some find enough challenge within the business world in areas which involve organizing and strategic planning. They dislike messiness and inefficiency, and anything that is muddled or unclear. They value clarity and efficiency, and will put enormous amounts of energy and time into consolidating their insights into structured patterns.

Other people may have a difficult time understanding an INTJ. They may see them as aloof and reserved. Indeed, the INTJ is not overly demonstrative of their affections, and is likely to not give as much praise or positive support as others may need or desire. That doesn't mean that he or she doesn't truly have affection or regard for others, they simply do not typically feel the need to express it. Others may falsely perceive the INTJ as being rigid and set in their ways. Nothing could be further from the truth, because the INTJ is committed to always finding the objective best strategy to implement their ideas. The INTJ is usually quite open to hearing an alternative way of doing something.

When under a great deal of stress, the INTJ may become obsessed with mindless repetitive, Sensate activities, such as over-drinking. They may also tend to become absorbed with minutia and details that they would not normally consider important to their overall goal.

INTJs need to remember to express themselves sufficiently, so as to avoid difficulties with people misunderstandings. In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, they may become abrupt and short with people, and isolationists.

INTJs have a tremendous amount of ability to accomplish great things. They have insight into the Big Picture, and are driven to synthesize their concepts into solid plans of action. Their reasoning skills gives them the means to accomplish that. INTJs are most always highly competent people, and will not have a problem meeting their career or education goals. They have the capability to make great strides in these arenas. On a personal level, the INTJ who practices tolerances and puts effort into effectively communicating their insights to others has everything in his or her power to lead a rich and rewarding life.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxilliary: Extraverted Thinking
Tertiary: Introverted Feeling
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing



Another part is how this personality type interacts in it's relationships with other people...as friends, as parents and as "lovers". :)

http://www.personalitypage.com/html/INTJ_rel.html

Living like Christ

There is a common misconception that "being like Jesus" means only that we are to do unto others as I would have them do to me. To pursue Christ-like behavior means to flee from temptation to sin. Jesus was without sin. Satan tempted him in every way imaginiable. When he was tempted, what did he do?  He threw scripture back into Satan's face.  Do I know enough truth to be able to dispel the lies that Satan tempts me with?  I know that I fell prey to that lie that I'm only to be nice to other people...and often times still do. I actually start believing that this life is about me...when in reality, if I'm a Christian...it's not. I've been bought with a price. How many times do I forget that? Many.

Being in love

Being in love is wonderful. I love to love. I want to spend every minute of every day with that person. I want to do things that make them happy. I am in constant thought about them. I want to do things they ask of me. I want to do things that they don't ask of me that would benefit them even more. I love to just look at them and see their perfections and flaws at the same time. I love to help them with things they need. I love when I'm forced to be away from them for a while and then get to see them for the first time and the feelings are even stronger.

About 6 years ago, I made a promise to God that I wouldn't date anyone until I had spent 1 year daily devoted to Him. I had always heard people say "it's not about religion, it's about relationship". I was probably a little irritated when I heard that because I had no relationship. I don't even know that I understood what that meant...but I set out to find out.  I decided that there was no way that I would have a good relationship with an imperfect man if I didn't even have a mediocre relationship with a perfect Savior. I mean, it should be easy to have a relationship with a perfect Savior so if I wasn't even doing THAT right, then how was I going to do the former? So for the next 4 years I tried. And I tried. And I tried. I had made this promise and I was going to keep it. I wrote in a journal during that time to try and keep track of my thoughts and actions that God would show me where I was wrong and where I was believing things that were from satan.  I struggled with many things. Lust, bitterness, jealousy, anger...you name it....I struggled. People that I trusted constantly failed me during that time. I would get upset and probably blamed God....and he would patiently wait for me to come back and realize that it wasn't Him that was to blame. He showed me that people would ALWAYS fail me. I would fail them too.  I fail God all the time. I do things that I know I shouldn't do. It's a fight against the old nature. Paul, one of the most brilliant (in my opinion) men of God said the same thing: "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."  If Paul had these struggles...there was no hope for me. haha. God had a lot of work to do on my heart and satan was attacking like crazy.  I was always fighting with God because I didn't know Him well enough yet, I didn't know how to know when He was asking me to do something or when satan was.  Satan was constantly putting thoughts in my head that made me not want to love God and follow Him. I didn't realize it then, but it was crazy for me to believe the lie that God would ever MAKE me do anything. FREE WILL. God doesn't MAKE us do ANYTHING. That's the point of free will. We have the choice.  I choose to believe that what the Bible says is true. That God is GOOD and has plans NOT to harm me. I used to think "Oh my gosh, God wants me to marry THAT guy....ugh. I don't want to marry Him." I was constantly trying to predict the future, thinking that I knew what God had for me. Why did I think about that when I knew verses about God wanting to give me the desires of my heart or not worrying about tomorrow?  Satan was attacking. Satan will do anything that he can to deceive us. To take our Joy. To bring us away from the One who loves us.  He comes to "Steal, Kill, and Destroy".  I want to be rid of my sin nature. I don't want to fall for satan's traps.  I think Paul has something else that cuts to the chase on this issue as well.

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step (constant fellowship, relationship) with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other."

I have heard so many people say things like "God wants me to do this or that" and when you look at their life, it doesn't reflect a Godly lifestyle at all.  How is God "speaking to you" when you're not even "in the Spirit"?  I am guilty of the same things. I am not judging anyone...I'm simply questioning who you are listening to.  I think satan is attacking in these moments. I should acknowledge what I have heard and seek Godly counsel on the issue taking time to pray about it and testing it up against where I know God has already brought me. That will help me to know where the call is coming from.  I can make plans, and should...but God will change them...thankfully.  God is Wise. His decisions are full of wisdom.  Our decisions should also be full of wisdom. It is a constant surrender...not a one time deal. If we are not seeking first God's kingdom...our decisions will not reflect those of a person who wants to do God's will.

I think the point of the promise that I made to God was so that I would force myself to seek first his Kingdom.  God never told me to make that promise. I was inspired and compelled (seeing the joy in other people's Christ-centered lives) to do it. I felt that I had lived enough of my life ignoring Him and I wanted to try. I knew that if I didn't make a law for myself, that I would not make it a priority.  In that time, I found myself making other decisions that would shape my future and actually make it easier for me to believe and understand. I pray that God would strengthen my faith so that I will not stumble and cause others to stumble (as I do too often). I pray that if and when I do stumble that He would discipline me accordingly so that I will want to come back to Him.  I want to marry someone who can be a spiritual leader for me and my children.  I tried to live my life without God. Doing what I wanted. Completely leaving Him out of the picture. As much as I tried to ignore Him...He was still there. Showing me that every decision I made without Him, was a decision without wisdom. My life COULD be extremely easy to live with a person who didn't believe in God. He could smother me with love and affection (and probably would). But there would always be a small part of our relationship that wouldn't be complete and eventually both of us would come to resent the other. I have now come to know Christ as my first TRUE love....If i can't take Him with me into a marriage, then I wouldn't be giving my whole heart to my husband and that's just not fair to my husband. I want to be completely vulnerable to God so that I can pass vulnerability to my husband and eventually to my children so that we can grow together as a family in commitment to each other and to God.

Something I read that was too good not to post..

I read this on a pretty amazing lady's blog...thought that since I haven't had much time of my own to post, I would just leave it here on my wall for others to be encouraged by it. If you are not a believer in Jesus, I pray that you will start to understand where my help comes from so that this will be an encouragement to you, too.

What is freedom?

What does it mean for me to be free?

Everyone wants freedom… Freedom of speech, religious freedom, etc. Everyone has their own definition of freedom. Many people’s definition of freedom is no different from the definition of anarchy, “The absenece of rules, government, authority” or “A utopian society” Our definition of freedom becomes, “Freedom from…”, which is really no freedom at all. We don’t realize that we our leading ourselves back into slavery.

Several years ago, I lived a life that did not please God. I thought I was living in freedom because I did not have any rules to abide by. But really I’ve never felt more enslaved in my entire life. A life of partying will make you a slave. Although you may be surrounded by people, you still feel all alone.

My choices lead me into slavery.

Many times we define ourseleves and our identities by external materials of pleasures. We think, “If I could just have this, then I could truly be happy” or “If I didn’t have this person in my life to restrain me from what I want, then I could be free” Our desire to be free has made us into slaves.

What is freedom?

To be free is to be what God has created me to be.

If our attempt to find freedom has led us into slavery, then perhaps the lifestyle we are pursuing is not what God has created for us.

We are created to know, love, worship, and follow Jesus.

Before we can truly be free, we must realize where we were and what we were like before Christ.

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.”

-Ephesians 2:1-3

Without Christ, we are dead.

But by His grace, we have been redeemed. What has He done for us? EVERYTHING. He died a torturous death, so that we could have life. In Him, I am absolutely renewed and I am a new creation.

So since we have been given this freedom in Christ, why do we still live like we’re in bondage?

Without Him I would still be enslaved and my life would be meaningless. I am so thankful that the Lord has renwewed me. He has forgiven my past and allowed me to have a bright future.

Enjoying :)

I have been writing a lot of stuff on a spiritual level lately and I'm gonna take a little break and just talk about things I enjoy...I guess we could always take it deeper and show how these things relate to the spiritual world...but I will just leave it out there for now. :)

Cucumbers
Lakes
Chocolate
Learning
Being goofy
Family
Loving people
Singing standards
Babies-when they're not crying. haha.
Ella Fitzgerald
Puddle jumping barefoot in warm rain water
Looking at pictures (old and new)
Taking personality tests
Friends
Coffee shops and hot chocolate
The feeling I get when I run after really needing to get out my energy.
The feeling after the run, too.
People who come into my life and I am almost instantly friends with
Moe's
Baby cows
Crazy little kids
Big Cities
Catching up with old friends
Hearing "I'm proud of you" sincerely said from someone important to me
Walking around a beautiful location (Gardens, lakes, beaches, campus, etc.)
ICE-CREAM
Black and white films
Kissing (hopefully one day, my husband)
Looking back on tough situations and what got me through them
Ah ha moments
Period piece movies (Pride and prejudice, sense and sensibility, North and South)
Jazz
Chinese Food
Learning about human behavior and then about how humans were meant to behave and trying
    to do the latter. :)
THE BEACH
Singing anything
Traveling with other people
Vanilla (the scent)
Sweet sisters (I've got 3.)
Will Smith Movies
Long hot showers
Succeeding
Chik-fil-a
Driving
People watching
Trying to better understand God
Dogs
Chic Flicks
Meat
Talking about God with one of my friends or family and then having the same subject come up in church
       the next day (that happens A LOT)
Silly brothers (yeah...I have 3 of those, too.)
Fireplaces
Cuddling
Hearing about good things that happen to people I care about
Painting my toes
Thinking about the future
Not thinking about the future
Sitting still
Moving around
StumbleUpon.com
Cooking
Making people happy
Getting REALLY good advice that you hold onto for a lifetime
Writing out my thoughts
Being forgiven (and I get to enjoy this one a LOT, unfortunately. hah.)

This list could go on and on and on...but I'll stop here. :)

Preparation

I think that with just about anything...one needs to be prepared in order to succeed.
 
I prepare for my day by thinking about all of the requirements that I may have ahead of me.
I prepare for a PT test by going out to the shed 3 days a week and running on the treadmill.
I prepare myself for a husband by learning about needs that men have and why they do certain things that they do...I also prepare myself by learning about my sin and trying to change so that it will make my future husband's life and my future kids' lives easier one day.
I prepare for kids by reading parenting books and trying to be around different ages younger than me so I can learn about their different stages of life.
I prepare for financial difficulties in life by putting a little money to the side each month in an emergency fund.
I prepare for spiritual battles by seeking God when times are good so that when times are bad I have what I need to see through Satan's crap that causes unbelief.

  God prepares our hearts if we're reaching out to Him, for eternal life with Him in Heaven.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" Ecc. 3:1

I am in a season of preparation. I hope that God shows me what I can do to prepare as fully as possible for times ahead.  I will do my part and trust Him with the rest.

Right now, I am preparing by working to pay off my debt, trying to rebuild broken relationships with family and trying to understand where I am weak in my faith so that I can be a stronger example of love to people around me.

Prayer

Prayer is really difficult for me. I forget to do it. I forget that it's real and I'm really reaching out to an all powerful, all-knowing God.  I can't tell you how many times that I have prayed and then thought, "Well that was nice. It helped me to be real about this situation. I don't think anything will change about the situation, but at least I am now calm." And then something would happen that was totally not in my control and I would realize that God was working.  Satan is always at work trying to "steal, kill and destroy" and he puts so many lies in my head about what kind of an idiot I am and how stupid I am to believe in something that's not real. I should be on my knees 24-7 praying just trying to fight off this murderer that's constantly trying to attack. I need prayer from people that I will learn how to be a constant prayer warrior. That I would talk to God about things going on in my life that only He can control and that I will trust Him to work it out for the good of all people, not just me. Is there anyone out there who will pray for me? Pray with me?

I need prayer and I need to pray.

Salvation

One of the promises that God gives to people who accept Him at any point in life is to continue the good work He started in them to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. I used to think, "YES, I'm a christian! But what now? I mean, I am in the middle of a degree with debt, bitterness for most of my family and the way I felt I was treated and I had no huge desire to read things I didn't understand (The Bible). Each little thing that happened during that time (and in times to follow) tested my faith. Anytime something bad would happen, I would think "Well why is this happening to me if God is real?" Why would a loving God let that happen?  If nothing on earth happens that God doesn't either cause or allow...then why is this happening to me if he loves me so much?

Well, the answer is...that no man should perish. God's deepest desire is that no man should perish.  His deepest desire is for no one to be destroyed.  When he allows things to happen to me, it is part of the master plan that NO MAN should perish.  What an unselfish thing it is for someone to lay down his life for another. An unselfish thing that someone would allow God to cause or allow something to happen that doesn't initially benefit them, for the greater purpose of saving someone else.

So my question to myself now is...sure, I believe, but do I love God? The Bible says  "Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. ¹⁹ You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder." If I love Him, am I listening to Him and obeying his commands of me at this moment? It's about choosing a side...sometimes it's about waking up in the morning and knowing what side I am on so that I can face the world around me. It's a constant surrender of self.


If someone told me that I could give one of my kidneys and save my sister's life...sure...I would be a little hesitant to go under the knife for her...and I like to think that my parents would never REQUIRE me to do anything but trust that I would do it out of love for her...but in the end, if it saved her life, I would do it. I would allow myself to be temporarily injured so that she could be saved from death.

I watched this video this morning and I thought it good enough to post on my blog.  I'm not always sure if I agree (understand) with what this pastor says, he is an imperfect human too, but I like this particular video and thought it good to share with others.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rc7OFH5yKY&feature=relmfu

My thoughts are now, do I need to question God?  If I do, then do I know him?  I know the heart of God...it is Good. God is always Good. The real question is do I know my own heart?  My heart is deceitful and desperately wicked...that's what the Bible says...and if I'm being honest, there are times, when I could care less about someone else's life or soul or wellbeing for their family. There are times when I start thinking "What about me?? What do I get out of this?" Those are the times that Satan is most at work in my life. Testing me, trying to trap me and allow me to fall prey to him so that I won't want to do what my dad is asking of me. Well, the answer to my question "What about me?" comes with discipline, but the answer is Joy. I get Joy out of loving God and wanting to do His will. He sees my heart and rewards  me when I desire Him. That is a pretty cool thing.

Ella

Here is one of my favorite Ella videos. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbL9vr4Q2LU&feature=channel_video_title

Dad. Both of them.

In honor of father's day I am going to post a list of all the things that I love about my earthly daddy...I have a pretty good feeling that most of the things that I love are things that reflect off of my Heavenly Father. :)

1. The things he creates are beautiful. hahaha....JUST KIDDING...okay...let's start over. :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. I love that he is a hard worker.
2. I love that he takes his responsibilities seriously.
3. I love that he is very detail oriented.
4. I love that he seeks justice for all...no matter the person.
5. I love that he cries when he is in front of a lot of people.
6. I love that he never gives up on me.
7. I love that he pushes me to be my best.
8. I love that he knows the difference between my wants and my needs and still at times wants to give me my wants.
9. I love that he is not only there to serve me, but also the people that I love as well...like my siblings and my mom.
10. I love that my dad is faithful to my family.
11. I love that he is goofy.
12. I love when he laughs and I can see his teeth.
13. I love that my dad has a heart for the poor and for needy children. (sponsors kids in 3rd world countries)
14. I love that my dad was consistent with me in the important things...in particular, teaching me truth.
15. I love that my dad doesn't just say things...he does them.

I love my dad. I am committed to him. I am committed to working at communicating my feelings with Him to better our relationship and in turn better serve those around me and even more, glorify God in that.

If you read this, I love you, Dad!

Trust Issues

I have trust issues. There, I said it. haha. Just kiddin...kinda. :)  What I mean by that is that I had trouble trusting people that loved me because of things that were out of my control to understand.  I think that there are things that everyone will have trouble understanding at this minute...but I also think that one day we will (if we are seeking the answers) know the answers to all of life's questions...whether they be on this side of heaven, or when we get there.

Learning about myself and the reasons that I behave certain ways has been really helpful for me to understand about God and where I fit in a relationship with Him.  Thankfully, God gave me many male role models in my life to understand that my Heavenly Father was nothing like my earthly father.  I do NOT mean this in a "bash my dad" kind of way.  I have allowed God to let me see the bitterness in my heart and have been making strides to let it go (extend Grace) so that I could move on and try to do better with my own personal set of cards. Instead of focusing on the good things that my dad did (raise 5 kids in less than ideal conditions, work a ton to support us, deal with his own bitterness towards people of his past, etc.)...I focused on all the bad.  I think sometimes I even blamed God for those things.  I blamed Him, like I blamed my dad for all of the bad.  I'm sure he had his share of sin and trust issues with God that were past down to his kids...but I'm also sure that he had a few bad cards handed to him as well. It did, get in the way of my relationship with God and I began to have (and still have) trust issues in my relationship with God. I doubt things.  I doubt Him a LOT.  I doubt that he "loves me". I do not trust that the promises that he gives me in the Bible are real.  I do not trust truth. I do not trust that he has a "plan". I doubt that the things I do "for Him" matter.  etc. etc. etc.  Thankfully, He is faithful to me to show me through my sin, that He is all understanding and merciful to allow me and my wicked heart a second chance to learn and do better for Him.

I am now coming to understand more about what it means in the song by Hillsong when it says "Break my heart for what breaks yours".  I may not always understand the severity of why things break God's heart...but it's really starting to make sense that when you love someone so much, it makes you weep when they weep. I remember the few times that I saw my dad cry in my life, even though I didn't always understand why he was crying, I saw his whole heart and the good in it and it made me cry too because I felt the passion for love coming from inside of him.  I am starting to see that God's heart breaks when I sin and I am seeing why mine should too.  It does NOT just affect me. My sin affects SO MANY SOULS. Thankfully, I am not responsible for anyone's soul. No, Jesus took that upon himself on the cross.  He allowed God the Father to use Him in that way. That was love.  I am so thankful that Jesus had so much love for his Father, that he obeyed him all the way to death. That was grace given to me...and everyone on earth. I am only responsible for accepting the gift of grace and evaluating how I can use it to honor my Heavenly Father.

Here on earth, I will ALWAYS struggle with sin.  The key is, what do I do when I am faced with it. Do I follow what, in my heart, I say I believe and resist the temptation...or do I choose to follow the father of lies and dishonor my father in Heaven.  All too often, I reject the cross and give in to temptation...I usually learn from it, but in the end, my heart always breaks for what broke his.  I am praying tonight that Christ will show me where I am not trusting Him and that He will give me wisdom on how to be more Christ-like in the future...that no man should perish.

Follow up

Here's a little followup reading that I read this morning that reminds me of my post from yesterday.

Ecclesiastes 2:24

"A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." And in John Piper's words "A wasted life".

Glorifying God in everything I do...

I have not always understood how I could glorify God in everything I did.  I mean...how did it glorify God that I was eating and drinking??  That's just silly. haha...but I'm coming to a more full understanding of what that means now.  I did not always understand how to set priorities before, either....and I'm getting a better grasp of that now....God always = #1.  If I ever felt that he wasn't #1...then I knew my job...to get Him back there. I am a girl of many passions....and there is a reason that I am passionate about all of them.  The reason I am passionate about God is because I see truth in His message.  The reason I am passionate about Jazz is because it's part of my family history and my mom always encouraged the gift that she said God had given me (didn't get that then either, but I trusted that my mom probably knew a little more than me).  The most important thing was to remember truth. The truth was found in God's word to us: The Bible. There are ten commandments in the Bible and one of those is one that I broke recently.  I found myself in a snowball of sin that took me to a huge state of confusion. I was lost. I had no God. I had a desire to not know Him. I had a desire to not run after him. I was in a field all by myself, and no shepherd to rescue me.

Or so I thought.

I continued in my lost state.  I kept hold of the thing that I wanted and tried to make it work the way I wanted it to. I forgot about total surrender and how important that was.  I had my priorities all messed up...and the reason I know that...is because God wasn't first.  If He was...then why did I not believe in Him? Why was I not letting Him write my story?  I forgot that I was permitted to do everything I wanted...but that not everything was beneficial.  I forgot the promise that was given to me to by Him to work everything out for my good if I just loved Him.  I forgot that Jazz was NOT supposed to be my #1 Passion. I was never told that I was not allowed to do Jazz. But I started loving Jazz...more than I loved Jesus.  I loved jazz so much that I would do anything to make it to the top...even if the Lord didn't want me at the top (like I had control over that...haha...silly me).  I AM permitted to sing Jazz. However, when it takes the centerpiece of my heart...I am NOT permitted.  I have sinned against God when I allow that...because as Michael Youssef said, "An idol is anything or anyone who occupies the centerpiece of your heart".  My snowball of sin had been sparked by one of the "easiest" commandments to follow.  I mean, you would know if you weren't putting God first, right?  haha...not so easy.  Thankfully, God is faithful, always good and ALWAYS extends grace to me if I accept it. He showed me through many different things that I needed His grace and so I am taking a few steps back to reconfigure my priorities and I'm allowing Him to take the center of my heart again.

In all of this, I have learned that my life is not wasted when I'm doing what I'm doing to glorify God.  I'm not wasting my time on things that don't honor Him.  I glorify God when I keep Him first and keep His commands to the best that I can in a sinful world.  Therefore, I will glorify him in my eating and my drinking and by allowing him to sanctify me.

My first blog :)

I am starting my own blog. I can't believe it. haha. I have been dreading this day ever since I thought about doing one 7 years ago and now I feel that it's time...I mean...it must be time, right? haha. The day I don't dread doing it, that must be a pretty good sign that I'm ready to. haha.  I used to journal stuff on random days for myself and sometimes read back on the things that I used to think and feel.  Well, now it's time for me to do the same thing in a public setting.  I have learned that it shows growth. I like to see when I've grown because it encourages me to grow and get better later when I have no motivation to do so. Some of this blog will be things that I've learned lately, some of it will be things that I love, some will be random facts...but I just felt the need to create something of my own and share it with the world...so here it goes.